I came here for a reason.. I’ve tolerated da circumstances. I’ve been here for 3 month and I’ve seen 2 of my 4 kids a total of 3 times since I been here. I’ve send my girls cellphones so I can talk to them and never get a response. I’ve sent emails and text to the Girl in the story and she, for reasons unknown, has not and will not respond to let me see my kids. Two of her Aunts have contacted me to talk about everything but my kids. Well, now I’m to a point where I need to make a decision. I can stay here, sumwhere I NEVER wanted to be cuz I hate this fucking place with a passion. Or, I can go back to Florida where I want to be but it puts me out of reach of my kids. Reach… They literally live 20 minutes away from where I live right now and I’ve only seen them three times. When, three months ago I just uprooted myself to come here thinking I’d get to be with the people I love most in this world. Well, I was wrong. And I honestly hope the Girl in the story gets what she deserves for doing this. Now I’m stuck with the ultimate question, Should I Stay Or Should I Go.
I never thought I’d see the day. The day when something else matters more to me me than the Girl in the story. Here’s what happened.
I moved to the a different state to be closer to the Girl in the story and our 4 daughters. I’ve been here for 7 days and I’ve seen the Girl in the story 3 times and I’m fine with that. However, I’ve been asking Her everyday if I can see my kids and everyday it’s a different excuse. Last nite she promised me I’d see my daughters today. I was so excited that I literally got no sleep last night. The time comes when I’m suppose to see my beautiful daughters and low and behold, she has a fucking excuse. AGAIN! I’ve been telling her I’m sick of being here and not seeing them for at least 5 days. I got a promotion at work so I’ve had 5 days off and this mother fucker still hasn’t let me see my kids. Well, I fucking lost it. It was around Father’s Day when I lost it the last time because I was suppose to see my kids and she felt like them going out of town, 5 hours away for Father’s Day was more important than coming 2 hours to come see me. If I have to be completely honest with yal, I’d be 💯 fine with losing her for my kids. And that’s something I didn’t realize until today. She says I don’t make effort to see them. She has never once brought them to me. I went to jail 4 times in one year trying to see my kids. I haven’t had a license or a car in 3 years and I have still found a way to get to them only to NEVER see them. Now I live 20 minutes away from them and spent almost $3000 to move here and She had the nerve to tell me I’m not making an effort, still. Telling me I need to calm down because I’m pissed off. Hell, you’d be pissed too if somebody was promising you this and that and it never happens. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS! I’d be a fucking fool not to be pist. Had the nerve to tell me She doesn’t have to let me see them. I’m dying on the inside because my main reason moving here was for the kids. Metaphorically speaking, how she expect not to eat her when I was starving she ain’t feed me.. Now she got me fed up. I’m trying to keep my cool but if yal could see this shit. How she feels like she’s doing nothing wrong and how I need to chill out. I’ve been sitting back patiently waiting for someone to rattle my cage. Like Lil Wayne said.. When a wolf cry you still see the wolf teeth.. All I want to know is when it became wrong to want to be a father to your kids. Because it’s been this way for almost 3 years for me. I’m over it.
Guess what… I GOT THE GIRL!!
I hate wasting time because it’s the one thing we can’t get back. I’ve wasted a lot of time writing this blog. Sure, it helped.. But why should I give yal a one-sided view of the Girl in the Story? Don’t get me wrong, she is all the things I say she is. But did you know she was a liar? Did you know she egocentric and self centered? Did you know she was a borderline alcoholic? No? Well, she is.. In 7 days I’m going away. I’ve been down this road before and I know what’s ahead of me but I’m going anyway. I’m not sure what is going to happen. All I know is I’m not competing for anything or anyone. We find time for things that matter. This blog doesn’t matter. She not the Angel I make her out to be. She’s a normal person and the only person who feels the way I do about her is me. The next person could care less if they ever see her again. It’s sad, the people we ignore, for the people that are here today and gone tomorrow. With that said, I leave you all wit this.. The Story of a Girl was written from my perspective and has no validity. It is merely a fantasy. Contrary to what I believed, the Girl in the story is nothing special. She is just a Girl.. A girl named Tiffany. What a waste of time.
Memories are often a relief. At Other times, they’re torture. When you act out of anger or fear, you tend to hurt people that you don’t intend to hurt. You never know what how important or significant something as simple as a call or a text could be to the person on the receiving end. Are you blind? Do you just not care?
What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. What would you do when your next boyfriend ends up making you feel like a fool.. And the only thing you want is to hear me say how much he didn’t deserve you and how beautiful you are. I’ve been there for you when you felt like this.. Every time time you’ve need me to be. So what makes your needs so much more important than mine? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you miss the way it feels to be unconditionally loved? The way it feels to know you’re number 1 without having to question it? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you look for pictures so you could remember me the way I still have your pictures in glass frames? Would you tell people about me the way I tell the world about you? Would it be easy to except the fact that you’re the reason I’m not here any longer? Would you realize that you could have saved me? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would that create the need or want or even the wish that we had more time. Precious time that’s running out. Would there be anything you wish you would have said but you never did? Would there be things you just wouldn’t share with anyone else because they were ours? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you have anyone telling you how much they miss you everyday? Or maybe you’d understand it better if I put it in words that you can relate to. Imagine leaving for the beach, getting there, and there’s no beach. It’s gone. No sand. No water. No sun. Nothing.. How would you feel? Could you live with that? And that worst part about it is.. The one person you could’ve called, the one person that you knew for a fact, would have hopped in a spaceship and left Earth to find you a beach and bring it back to you… Is gone, too. And it’s all because of you.. What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would I mean anything to you then?
You could have rescued me.. You could have save me. But you didn’t. Now you’ll never see me again… Never talk to me again.. Are you happy now?
This is the Story of a Girl
~ When you lose something, days turn into week and weeks into months and months turn into years. On the other hand, if you’re anticipating or expecting something, those same months turn into weeks and those same weeks turn into days ~
The strange thing is, those same days turn into minutes.. And those minutes turn into seconds. Of course, there’s also those other situations where it literally seems like time doesn’t exist. The perfect example, the Girl in the story and l spent over 10 years together, however, I can honestly say it was so amazing that I had no concept of time on a linear scale. Sure, we celebrated our anniversaries and birthdays. I can’t deny the fact that the babies grew up. But when you have someone as unbelievably beautiful and fascinating as the Girl in the story, a new day was like day one to me. Imagine going to sleep with the girl of your dreams, dreaming about the perfect girl while you slumber, then waking up to the girl you fantasize about. There were literally times when I’d look at Her and my jaw would just drop like I had never seen Her before a day in my life. This was 10 years after we’d already been together. If I had to be honest, if I hadn’t lived it, I probably wouldn’t believe it.
Here I am, past the part where the days turned into years and at the part where years are turning into seconds with the hopes of heading into that timeless abyss. I’ve had time to do a lot of things.. I never looked at it like time to do whatever I want or time to “wild out” or whatever the kids are saying these days. I used that time to reminisce on my past, focus on my future, and reflect on all my accomplishments. They could strap me to a polygraph machine and ask me what I’ve been doing since the day Her and I split up and I could tell you every single thing I did. The graphing needle would be all over the place. But if all I said was searching for direction. Finding a way… That would be the truest words I’d ever spoken. She flooded my mental, made it almost impossible to me to be physical, defined my spiritual, and insured my emotional… She’s one of the 5 missing pieces of a beautiful and chaotic puzzle that we started on over a decade ago.
Moving forward, I’ve got a lane and I’m in gear. I’m a testament of wat can happen the moment you follow your heart. In January I wrote a blog post about what my intentions were for this year.. Here we are almost 6 months in and everything seems to be right on track.. Everything I need is in my path. All I’m try to do is catch up… To where we left it.. 💯
I could buy everything I ever wanted but there would still be 5 empty spaces…
What does it mean to you to give up? Does it mean to continue until you get tired of trying? Or maybe you go until the objective is out of reach, that way you can at least say you gave it your all, right? Unfortunately, just like the majority of the world, you are wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, there is a huge gray area anytime you vow to never do something. But I need yal to say with me on this one. The word “never” is an adverb. An adverb is basically used to add “dimensions” to the verb that it preceeds. If I told you “I’m coming home.” That sentence, that statement, is basically done. There would be nothing left to do but get home to you, it’s through. Just like the words on this page, that statement was 2 dimensional, from me, to you. Now, let me show what happens when we introduce an adverb to the same sentence. If I were to tell you “I’m never coming home.” That adds additional dimensions to that statement. We’ll start with the sentence structure itself. Adding the adverb turns that statement into a declarative sentence. After that, it adds emotion, such as uncertainty, and in most cases, fear. But most importantly, although indefinite, it adds a sense of time. I say indefinite because as that time; the time we spend in “never” passes, we forgive and forget, or we just get over it. Thus, we have the Latin saying “Omnia Enim Tempus” which directly translates to “All Things are Temporary” in English…
Let me remind yal that this is, without a doubt, The Story of a Girl. Mmmhm, the Girl I see when I close my eyes. The Girl I dream about while I’m awake. But also the only person in the world capable of disappointing me to the point of deep depression. I need yal to understand something. I know these are just stories to yal. Stories… Well, it’s 11:41pm Saturday night and I’m sitting here writing yal a story.. A story about a Girl. These stories I’m telling but they not made up. This is my life…
Have you ever heard the expression “I’m dying on the inside?” Well, at this very moment I’d love to feel like that because it would be a vast improvement of what I’m really feeling. You ever been so happy about something that it was all you could think about? You ever follow instructions given to you just because of the person that’s giving them to you? Are you breathing right now? Because I can’t.. I’ve never been in such disbelief in my life. I followed the rules by the book. There were no shortcuts taken, none of that. And with mother’s day coming up, I was determined to make sure everything was perfect. And believe me when I tell you, that’s exactly what I did. The more I think about it, the more it kills me. I could care less about the money spent, even though I probably could have purchased a motorcycle with the amount that was used to insure nothing was left out. What hurts the most, yal.. Is the simple fact that this is the EXACT same reason why we went almost a year with no contact. Listen people…. It’s not like I’m trying to monopolize Her time or anything… Not yet, anyway… But try to understand this. If there was ever a time that I knew I could spend any amount of time with Her, no matter if it was 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minutes,or 3 seconds… I did what ever I had to do to get to her. Which is why I asked earlier what it meant to yal to never give up. It would be like climbing Everest but not quite making it to the top. You’re going to have scars and bruises on you. You’re going to be starving and tired. There may be times where you don’t know what to do next. Every part of your body will hurt. But can you imagine the feeling… When you reach the top. While you’re sitting at the peak looking down at the world. Or dam near touching the stars.. Or the Moon. The sacrifices you made to get there. What you intentionally put your mind, body, and soul through to experience the feelings you’d feel at that exact moment… Thinking about how you NEVER gave up…
By now now I’m sure yal know that She’s my Everest… I’d be willing to bet that I’ve put forth more effort than the average person would get in a lifetime. We live in a world where no one values anything anymore.. Or if they do, they don’t value it for what it’s worth. Do I think the Girl in the story is worth all this? No, I don’t think she is.. I KNOW she is. Writing this gave me some valuable insight. I can honestly say I hate the Girl in the story right now. I hate her for what she did to me. I hate her for everything the does to me. And I hate her for everything she will ever do to me in the future. But yal… I love Her for soo much more. It’s like a candle that never burns out. I go to sleep, I wake up, and it’s still there.. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and it’s even harder to accept at times. You probably couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes.
I want to take this time thank all of you guys for always being here when I need you. No man can understand the sorrow of a failed dream. I was searching for direction.. I think I’ve found a route.. I have to reach the top. I mean, I know I’m different.. But I’m so ambitious so I’m going to get it. And when you see the view from way up there you’ll know…
I GAVE IT MY ALL, AIN’T NO QUESTION…
CAN YOU BLAME ME 👇👇