Suicide

Memories are often a relief. At Other times, they’re torture. When you act out of anger or fear, you tend to hurt people that you don’t intend to hurt. You never know what how important or significant something as simple as a call or a text could be to the person on the receiving end. Are you blind? Do you just not care?

What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. What would you when your next boyfriend ends up making you feel like a fool.. And the only thing you want is to hear me say how much he didn’t deserve you and how beautiful you are. I’ve been there for you when you felt like this.. Every time time you’ve need me to be. So what makes your needs so much more important than mine? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you miss the way it feels to be unconditionally loved? The way it feels to know you’re number 1 without having to question it? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you look for pictures so you could remember me the way I still have your pictures in glass frames? Would you tell people about me the way I tell the world about you? Would it be easy to except the fact that you’re the reason I’m not here any longer? Would you realize that you could have saved me? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would that create the need or want or even the wish that we had more time. Precious time that’s running out. Would there be anything you wish you would have said but you never did? Would there be things you just wouldn’t share with anyone else because they were ours? What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would you have anyone telling you how much they miss you everyday? Or maybe you’d understand it better if I put it in words that you can relate to. Imagine leaving for the beach, getting there, and there’s no beach. It’s gone. No sand. No water. No sun. Nothing.. How would you feel? Could you live with that? And that worst part about it is.. The one person you could’ve called, the one person that you knew for a fact, would have hopped in a spaceship and left Earth to find you a beach and bring it back to you… Is gone, too. And it’s all because of you.. What if you woke up tomorrow and found out that you could never see me again? Never talk to me again. Would I mean anything to you then?

You could have rescued me.. You could have save me. But you didn’t. Now you’ll never see me again… Never talk to me again.. Are you happy now?

This is the Story of a Girl


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Where We Left It

~ When you lose something, days turn into week and weeks into months and months turn into years. On the other hand, if you’re anticipating or expecting something, those same months turn into weeks and those same weeks turn into days ~

The strange thing is, those same days turn into minutes.. And those minutes turn into seconds. Of course, there’s also those other situations where it literally seems like time doesn’t exist. The perfect example, the Girl in the story and l spent over 10 years together, however, I can honestly say it was so amazing that I had no concept of time on a linear scale. Sure, we celebrated our anniversaries and birthdays. I can’t deny the fact that the babies grew up. But when you have someone as unbelievably beautiful and fascinating as the Girl in the story, a new day was like day one to me. Imagine going to sleep with the girl of your dreams, dreaming about the perfect girl while you slumber, then waking up to the girl you fantasize about. There were literally times when I’d look at Her and my jaw would just drop like I had never seen Her before a day in my life. This was 10 years after we’d already been together. If I had to be honest, if I hadn’t lived it, I probably wouldn’t believe it.

Here I am, past the part where the days turned into years and at the part where years are turning into seconds with the hopes of heading into that timeless abyss. I’ve had time to do a lot of things.. I never looked at it like time to do whatever I want or time to “wild out” or whatever the kids are saying these days. I used that time to reminisce on my past, focus on my future, and reflect on all my accomplishments. They could strap me to a polygraph machine and ask me what I’ve been doing since the day Her and I split up and I could tell you every single thing I did. The graphing needle would be all over the place. But if all I said was searching for direction. Finding a way… That would be the truest words I’d ever spoken. She flooded my mental, made it almost impossible to me to be physical, defined my spiritual, and insured my emotional… She’s one of the 5 missing pieces of a beautiful and chaotic puzzle that we started on over a decade ago.

Moving forward, I’ve got a lane and I’m in gear. I’m a testament of wat can happen the moment you follow your heart. In January I wrote a blog post about what my intentions were for this year.. Here we are almost 6 months in and everything seems to be right on track.. Everything I need is in my path. All I’m try to do is catch up… To where we left it.. 💯

Ain’t No Question

I could buy everything I ever wanted but there would still be 5 empty spaces…

What does it mean to you to give up? Does it mean to continue until you get tired of trying? Or maybe you go until the objective is out of reach, that way you can at least say you gave it your all, right? Unfortunately, just like the majority of the world, you are wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, there is a huge gray area anytime you vow to never do something. But I need yal to say with me on this one. The word “never” is an adverb. An adverb is basically used to add “dimensions” to the verb that it preceeds. If I told you “I’m coming home.” That sentence, that statement, is basically done. There would be nothing left to do but get home to you, it’s through. Just like the words on this page, that statement was 2 dimensional, from me, to you. Now, let me show what happens when we introduce an adverb to the same sentence. If I were to tell you “I’m never coming home.” That adds additional dimensions to that statement. We’ll start with the sentence structure itself. Adding the adverb turns that statement into a declarative sentence. After that, it adds emotion, such as uncertainty, and in most cases, fear. But most importantly, although indefinite, it adds a sense of time. I say indefinite because as that time; the time we spend in “never” passes, we forgive and forget, or we just get over it. Thus, we have the Latin saying “Omnia Enim Tempus” which directly translates to “All Things are Temporary” in English…


Let me remind yal that this is, without a doubt, The Story of a Girl. Mmmhm, the Girl I see when I close my eyes. The Girl I dream about while I’m awake. But also the only person in the world capable of disappointing me to the point of deep depression. I need yal to understand something. I know these are just stories to yal. Stories… Well, it’s 11:41pm Saturday night and I’m sitting here writing yal a story.. A story about a Girl. These stories I’m telling but they not made up. This is my life…

Have you ever heard the expression “I’m dying on the inside?” Well, at this very moment I’d love to feel like that because it would be a vast improvement of what I’m really feeling. You ever been so happy about something that it was all you could think about? You ever follow instructions given to you just because of the person that’s giving them to you? Are you breathing right now? Because I can’t.. I’ve never been in such disbelief in my life. I followed the rules by the book. There were no shortcuts taken, none of that. And with mother’s day coming up, I was determined to make sure everything was perfect. And believe me when I tell you, that’s exactly what I did. The more I think about it, the more it kills me. I could care less about the money spent, even though I probably could have purchased a motorcycle with the amount that was used to insure nothing was left out. What hurts the most, yal.. Is the simple fact that this is the EXACT same reason why we went almost a year with no contact. Listen people…. It’s not like I’m trying to monopolize Her time or anything… Not yet, anyway… But try to understand this. If there was ever a time that I knew I could spend any amount of time with Her, no matter if it was 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minutes,or 3 seconds… I did what ever I had to do to get to her. Which is why I asked earlier what it meant to yal to never give up. It would be like climbing Everest but not quite making it to the top. You’re going to have scars and bruises on you. You’re going to be starving and tired. There may be times where you don’t know what to do next. Every part of your body will hurt. But can you imagine the feeling… When you reach the top. While you’re sitting at the peak looking down at the world. Or dam near touching the stars.. Or the Moon. The sacrifices you made to get there. What you intentionally put your mind, body, and soul through to experience the feelings you’d feel at that exact moment… Thinking about how you NEVER gave up…

By now now I’m sure yal know that She’s my Everest… I’d be willing to bet that I’ve put forth more effort than the average person would get in a lifetime. We live in a world where no one values anything anymore.. Or if they do, they don’t value it for what it’s worth. Do I think the Girl in the story is worth all this? No, I don’t think she is.. I KNOW she is. Writing this gave me some valuable insight. I can honestly say I hate the Girl in the story right now. I hate her for what she did to me. I hate her for everything the does to me. And I hate her for everything she will ever do to me in the future. But yal… I love Her for soo much more. It’s like a candle that never burns out. I go to sleep, I wake up, and it’s still there.. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and it’s even harder to accept at times. You probably couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes.

I want to take this time thank all of you guys for always being here when I need you. No man can understand the sorrow of a failed dream. I was searching for direction.. I think I’ve found a route.. I have to reach the top. I mean, I know I’m different.. But I’m so ambitious so I’m going to get it. And when you see the view from way up there you’ll know…

I GAVE IT MY ALL, AIN’T NO QUESTION…


CAN YOU BLAME ME 👇👇

Made Me Do It (Explicit)

It’s silent. Nothing in my house is on except the air conditioner, yet, Her voice is all I hear. Her voice is all I want to hear. The true definition of an addict just wishing She’d give me an intervention so I could get a dose of Her. So fascinating that even I wonder what the hell the The Girl in the Story did to solidify a love like this. Why is She worth of something so real and genuine? Then I come to my senses. The reasons.. The why’s and the hows don’t even matter. What matters is that out of the 7.442 billion people on Earth (Google World Population – 2016), I found one. Not just one, THE ONE.. She’s Neo in the Matrix. She’s who DJ Khaled is rapping about in that one song with Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne. I believe it was Quavo who said “We go back like Criss Cross and Hop Scotch.” Some things just put a big ass smile on my face, I swear. Thinking about all the things I’d do to have Her back in my life. Like legit, if I could quit my job and fuck Her all day, I would.. Every hour I’d break Her off like a Kit-Kat. No one would ever see me, like Stevie, they’d wonder what’s got a hold of me. The whole time I’d be somewhere licking on Her, kissing on Her for a long long time… 😏 Let me stop because talking about to yal is serious got me on the verge of packing my shit and moving to where she is.. And when she ask me why, I’d tell her the pussy “Made Me Do It.”

(T)if I Had It My Way

We like to think and believe we are in control of our lives and that’s fine and all, but it’s when we realize we are not in control, that we can start breaking down and dissecting our lives as a whole. What influences steer us one way or the other? I’ve been through a lot and in all honesty there’s only one thing that could steer me one way or the other and that’s the Girl in the Story. You see, (T) if I had it my way, this blog wouldn’t be necessary. We actually shared a blog before this one. It was great. That’s the blog I’m trying to get back to. His and Hers.. It was Ours.. Just like everything else was. We shared it, even though She always seemed to get more than I did. I was fine with it, though. She deserved it. I just talked to the Girl in the Story. I told Her I was thirsty. She told me to drink some water. And I told Her water just wouldn’t cut it. I need someone more Sunkist. Something that’s so good. You see, when the sun kisses Her skin.. Heaven know, there’s nothing I love more. Those tan lines drive me to places a human shouldn’t be driven to, yet I find myself never wanting to leave those places. So, I’m sure you can see now, (T) if I had it my way… She’d feel da same…. She’d just call me “& Co.”

*SideNote*

WATCH the video 👇

Good To You

So, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and it’s time to be real with myself. When it comes to comparing things, some things just can’t be compared to. The things I shared with the Girl in the Story, I never want to share with anyone else again. I know this because I’ve tried. And to be honest, I’m sick of trying. I said it before, things just made sense with Her. We shared the ups and downs. We cared about each other and if she was sad, so was I, sometimes, and the same went for Her. These days it’s hard to find someone who gives a fuck about your feelings. I don’t know, maybe She spoiled me. Or maybe She just was the fucking best. I tell you what, read that last sentence again, but take the “maybe” out. She was so good to me. And because of that, I made a promise to myself. And if she ever reads this, I want Her to know. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was with You. Not a second goes by that You’re not on my mind. For You to have been able to do this to me, after 15 years, I still feel this way about You. I promise You, no matter if we’re together or not, I’ll always be good to You.

Wasn’t I good to You??

Take it from Me

I know it been a while, but I had to try other things. I tried baking. I tried chocolate ice cream for the first time. I tried to start a fire with a couple rocks and twigs at a campsite. That was on a Monday. However, the most important thing I tried was a girlfriend. I really didn’t want to but finally got tired of watching Pornhub every night and sleeping alone. The lil breezy I got with I’ve known since I was 15 years old. At first, it was great. Fantastic. I thought I had found a way out. Little did I know. The things I love are very specific. I don’t love pizza, I love sampegios pizza. I’ll explain. Everything that the Girl in the Story use to do, she was THE BEST at it. I found myself in a whole relationship, and I loved her, but it wasn’t the kinda love I wanted. My heart was dropping knowledge on me hard and heavy. It’s safe to say that settling for less is something I’m just not willing to do. Being with the girl in the story was always the easy part. It just made sense. I never got tired of looking at her. She amazed me on the daily. I could watch her sleep and I could not keep my hands off her. I guess it’s time I start soul searching. I have to find a way. And I will. Some say life is a gamble which means love is a casino. My time with the girl in the story isn’t over. I owe her something. And I’m the only one that can give it to her. So this is the beginning of The Story of Me Getting Back the Girl In the Story… Do you want to see how much one person can mean to another? It’s been too long. She’s the one I chose from the start. She’s the one I’d choose in the end. She gave me her heart and I’m sorry I damaged it. When she left, she took my heart away. Every night I kissed her picture on the nightstand. I know what I did was wrong and I’m sorry. When it comes to loving the Girl in the story, I’ll never take a day off. If it’s 31 days on my calendar, every one’s gonna be accounted for. So you see, you can take it from me… Your girl might be bad, but that would make the Girl in the story “The Worst.” It can’t, don’t, and won’t get any better than that. Gametime is officially over. I need that in my life.

 

 

MMXVIII