In My Thoughts & Feelings

As much as she stays on my mind I wonder if she ever thinks of me. Not just the random thoughts that don’t mean anything. I mean really think about me. If she ever misses me. If she does, she has a horrible way of showing it. I have to be honest. I try my damnedest to give her space and not text her every day. Things like that, I feel, would hurt more than help the situation. But trust me when I say I wish I could text her all day. I wish she would tell me all about her days and tell me she misses me. I wish she’d get past the partying and make that first move towards being a family again. I wish I had more time with her. She tells me she loves me and is so freaking sweet… When she’s drunk. I absolutely love her when she’s on her way home from a night out. But that never carries over to the next day. They say only the people you care about can really hurt you. At times the things she do (or don’t do) and say (or don’t say) to me do way more than hurt. I’ve actually died more times than I can count. At times I feel like she enjoys doing it to me. When she’s with her little friends she says some of the meanest and most hurtful things. Other times I can be the sweetest guy on the planet and she won’t acknowledge me until I say something that she considers to be mean. There has, however, been a consistent pattern with a certain aspect of her life.  She doesn’t understand it yet but the world we live in is very one-sided. People will do whatever they have to to get what they want and when they find something new it’s on to the next with little to no thought involved. I hate to hear her cry but she does. I listen and I always tell her that the guy that hurt her doesn’t deserve her anyways. I tell her how beautiful and amazing she is and how it’s not her fault that guys are idiots. No matter what I say, my words don’t really mean much to her even though I can almost guarantee that nobody lifts her up the way I try to. I do it because she really is all the things I say she is. It’s not her fault that other people are too blind to see it or don’t take the time to realize that she’s the best life has to offer. She thinks she’s fat, I tell her that it’s just more of her to love. She thinks she’s ugly, I tell her every day that she’s the most beautiful person walking the face of the earth. Everything she finds wrong with herself I promise I can find a reason to love. One thing I have never done since we split up is get involved with someone with the hopes of it turning into a relationship. I’m so picky these days that it’s not even funny. Basically, if it isn’t her, I don’t want it. Nobody turns me on the way she does. Nobody looks as good as she does or smells like her. If I can’t have her my desire is to be alone. I know many people won’t understand but it’s really not up to anybody to understand. Some might even say that I should let go. It’s those people that will never understand what it’s like to really listen to your heart. Never know what the best feeling in the world is. I will never give up. I will never let go. I have my reasons and I hold them near and dear to me.

I can’t lie, though. Sometimes I wonder if anybody will ever love her the way I do. Will they tell her she’s beautiful when she feels ugly and mean it? Will the find ways to show her how much they need her? Will they cherish every second they spend with her? Will they fall head over heels for her at the dawn of every new day? Will they look at her like every time is the first time? Will they remember how good her face smells? Will her body be their favorite thing to explore? Will they go through hell and high water for her? Will they make her feel like there’s no one else they’d rather spend all their days and nights with but her? If there’s another one out there that can make her feel the way I made her an try to make her feel; if there’s one person out there that can trace the freckles on her back with their eyes closed. If that person does exist that makes her feel like she’s worth more than life itself. I hope she takes that person and runs with it. Because if anybody deserves it be happy it’s her. I just hope I don’t find out. I hope I never have to hear that she has fallen in love with someone else. That would be the end of everything for me. That’s a blow that I seriously couldn’t take. I dunno what I would do. I honestly don’t know what I would do.

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