The Sum of All Things

There comes a time when we all have to do something that fills us with fear. Leaving home for the first time, preforming in front of a large crowd, or even falling in love. These things are scary because we want to be our best at them. But let’s take a step back and think about this for a moment. If you were leaving home with a friend chances are you’re not going to be as scared as if you were leaving alone. If you were practicing your performance in front of people you know, you’re probably comfortable and relaxed. And if you just met someone that you have no feeling for you’re probably not going to be afraid at all to be around them. We get these certain emotions for a very specific reason. It’s because of the potential we see in whatever the activity or situation is that has us on edge. I’ll use myself as an example. There’s nothing I want more than the Girl in the Story. That’s just that way things work. But if she were to call me right now chances are I would not answer the phone. Why? For me, it’s her voice. I remember her voice. I love her voice. But to hear it scares me half to death. Reason being, I know what that voice can do to me.

The sum of all things. What this means is that we tend to nevermind things that we hold dear to us for a variety of reasons. The main and most influential reason is the people around us. If you have friends telling you-you should do something you’re probably going to, at least, try it even if it’s something you know you don’t want to do. But what about the things we want to do? Allow me to explain. 

The girl in the story would say that she domesticated me. Still don’t understand what that means but if she did that then essentially I had to change in some way at some point. It was obviously something that was necessary for me to make that change. Even though I didn’t realize what she was doing to me or for me, I did notice things around me changing. Quality of life improved tremendously. Priorities became more clear and the biggest picture was placed in a glass frame. 

On top of it all, I have an obligation that must be fulfilled (that I haven’t really been doing too great at). The greatest gifts she ever gave me besides all her love is the four Beautiful little girls that complete that big picture. Being there to watch them grow is just as important as them learning how to deal with everything life throws at them. A shoulder to cry on.. Sound advice… Even an ear to listen.. All things I use to provide and it’s a major part missing from my life. When all these things come together for me, I admit, it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever known. But it’s scary because I know the potential that comes with all these things coming together. It’s a matter of my life being complete of completely empty. The girl in the story has been gone for quite some time. Since she’s been gone I’ve seen her smile.. I’ve heard her cry.. But one thing I haven’t seen is her give anybody what she gave me. We held each other down to the fullest. We were a team.. All Stars.. We made things happen.  And we loved it for the most part. We got together at a young age and she missed out on a lot of things that I had the opportunity to experience. Now that she’s back from that soul vacation… I wonder if she was lonely looking for herself out there. Searching for the person that I’ve known all along. Add it all up and even a blind man could see the answer.. It is essentially.. THE SUM OF ALL THINGS. 

Binders

On a long enough timeline everything runs out, right? Wrong… We live, we learn, we love, we die. But what happens then? Everyone has there own opinion about this. My opinion, from a non religious standpoint, is we wait to be born again. I think we take something from our past lives and those things  follow us into the next. Even if it’s something as seemingly unsignificant as a scent or a vague memory. These things aren’t as unsignificant as we may think. If we were ever to find ourselves in that perfect place at that perfect time we can actually  tap into these “binders.” I call them binders because they link us to other things for eternity. We all know that this is, nonetheless, The Story of a Girl. So how does all this tie together? Truthfully, I feel like this life was the first time I’ve ever come across her. I feel like the reason being I just wasn’t ready for what she has to give. Now that I’ve felt the joy and pain and everything in between, I have come to a conclusion. We don’t control certain aspects of our lives. Sure, we can’t help who we love. The heart has a mind of it’s own. But it’s much deeper than that. I think those binders are presented to us when we are ready for them. When I met her I had no idea how significant she would be in my life and neither did she. We’ve loved each other, disliked eachother, left eachother, yet; in a way,  we still need eachother. That says a lot. People come and go. But have you ever had that one person that you felt bound to? It’s like the universe put you together for a reason. Because when you’re together you make magic in the air.. The universe need those kind of connections just as much as we do. So wat do I hope for in my next life.. And the one after that?  I can only hope to be in that perfect place at that perfect time…  That would make it a 3 ring 💍 binder.. Because every time I come across her, I’m never going to let her go. 

    Loved You Then, Can’t Hate You Now

    Have you ever wanted to fly? Not in an airplane, I mean really spread your wings and fly? Most would say that it’s something us as humans just can’t do. I beg to differ. But in order to leave the ground and soar in the clouds, you have to first believe you can. Believe in it more than you believe in anything else. To accomplish the impossible you have to leave behind things that go against your will.  Fear, doubt, and disbelief are all illusions that lead us to believe that we can not accomplish the impossible. You may never fly. I’m here to tell you that I have. And I will again. Simply because I know what it takes and I believe. You spend enough time with an angel and you’ll understand what it takes to be one. Of course, this is all metaphorically speaking. There’s a lesson to be taught here. Never underestimate what a person can and can’t accomplish. It’s the first and often the biggest mistake we, as people, can make. There are no endings. Only beginnings. Starting over means you’ve done something before and you’re going to do it again. Where is the ending in that? It’s more perpetual than anything. So you still say humans can’t fly? Watch me when I jump out the window and never touch the ground.  Then you can say whatever you want. It’s really hard to hear when you’re 30,000 feet up.

    The Story of a Boy (personal thoughts)

    It’s one thing to do what makes us happy. But not to do it just because of what the people around us may think or say is basically like imprisonment to ourselves. If I eat meat my vegan friend won’t like me anymore. Let’s think about our vegan friend for a minute, shall we? Do you know why our vegan friend doesn’t eat meat? Because it makes her happy. So why should we subject ourselves to doing what makes her happy if it doesn’t make us happy? Why is it any of her business what I eat anyway? A lot of times the people we surround ourselves with are centric and we go along with it because we want them to what? Keep liking us? I don’t like Peter’s girlfriend. Should I tell Pete that if he doesn’t stop talking to her, I don’t want to hang out with him anymore? Should I just bring as many girls as I possibly can around Pete with hopes he finds someone new for my own sake? These are problems we are faced with every day in the egocentric world we live in. Nobody cares what’s going on. They just want everything to favor their own personal liking. Is that really how we live? Yes, yes it is. Pete says  “I’m not leaving my girlfriend just because you don’t like her.” If you don’t like her you should keep it to yourself anyway because it’s not up to you to like her. A lot of people don’t understand that. Understand this then. You can keep eating bird food with your vegan friends. I’ll have the steak. And I’ll eat it by myself if I have to. Because that’s what make me happy. Pete you know you’re #1!

     

    Index

    I remember watching her sleep. I remember my right hand on her left thigh when we went places in the car. I remember all four of the pregnancies. I even reminisce about a fifth. I remember the way she’d say my name, the way she looked at me, the way she tugged at the rubber band to take her hair out of a faux ponytail. I remember the way she tasted. I love the way she tasted. I remember the way she sat in Indian style in the mirror to put on mascara. I remember how she wrote our last name. Made me think she really had no idea how to spell it. I remember when she said, “I do.” I remember when she couldn’t drive to save her’s or anybody else’s life. She was the worst. I remember when she thought it was so funny when I hit that line drive right back to the pitcher in college. I remember when she called me baby. I remember when she had no idea what to expect but she trusted me and knew I’d make it happen. I remember when she got arrested for sleeping in my car downtown. I remember how her lips felt on mine. I remember how creative she was. I remember how she would do anything for me. I remember her taco pie. I remember the first time I ever saw her cry. I remember the last time I heard her cry. I remember the day we moved to the beach.  I knew how much she loved it. That was the day I gave her the sunshine. I remember the way she loved chicken biscuits and cheese its. I remember the first time she ever shot a handgun. I remember everything. I wonder what he’ll remember..

    The Cost of Loving You So Much

    She touches me in ways that shouldn’t be allowed. It’s not fair at times but who am I to complain, right? Here I am making it seem like she’s the best. Well, that’s because she is. For something to infiltrate my mental state as much as she does, she’s a force worth reckoning with. So alive. Then so alone. And the award for best actor goes to… I feel like I’m in a state of delirium. Not even the best drugs could lift me so high and hold me so low all at once. In order to keep my personal focus on par, I have to stay kinetic. I have to keep the gears churning. Even if that means grinding them down to nothing. I’ll replace them as I needed. I said it once, I’ll say it a hundred thousand times. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. The torture chamber, did it. Guillotine, did it. Exile, did it. What else? I mean,  I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I’m willing a capable of doing because of her. I remain a student to every lesson. No matter how un-idealistic the lessons may be. Sitting back watching time pass is the hardest. Every second counts and if anybody has ever told you otherwise, they have a lot to learn. Perhaps you’ll understand. Or maybe I’m still just “Talking to the Moon.”